Saturday, November 20, 2010

Question Resolved: Yahoo Answers

Movie Script help!!!?

For spanish class we have to do a short 3-5 minute video and my group decided to do a version similar to that of home alone. I am stressed out, clueless, and have no idea how to make a good plot for this short of a story. Can anyone help? Please and thank you!

Yeah a project for spanish class. It was a joke in my day and Spanish class is a joke now. Set advice to blatantly offensive:

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Okay the movie starts out with the shot of a nice home, it continues on towards the basement where the Mexican/Guatemalan housekeeper and her family lives. She and the family, there's like 30 of them living in the basement, are getting on a Grey Hound bus tomorrow to go to the Canadian border to wait for another family member to swim across carry a load of Colombia's finest up his put. Everyone is excited except little Hernando, who being the anchor baby that keeps the family in the States is tired of these shenanigans and for one Christmas he would like to not run to the border to have to pick up uncle Paco the Burro of the Mendoza Cartel with smuggled load of @ss candy. He would also like something not from the Salvation Army For Christmas. After a fight with the family he is sent to his space behind the dryer without Chimichungas for dinner. Then by the power of Pedro Negr0(Black Peter, Santa Mexican Helper Who Deals With Bad Kids) the family leaves without Hernando, plus they forgot he was behind the dryer and with the whole 30 people to get on a bus thing...

So Hernando is happy his family is gone as he has never seen so much space in the basement and can finally watch all the Telemundo he wants. Hernando even ventures outside to play with all the other kids which is family told him not to.(Important later) But sadly they don't hablo espanol so Hernando goes home to cry it out over his plate of Tacos. Flash cut to a scene where a kid asks his dad what Jugue Futbol means and he is shocked that his son is speaking Spanish. He announces this can only mean that Beaners have invaded the neighborhood, and places an urgent call to the INS.

Now two bumblign INS agents attempt to reach Hernando in his basement and Hernando must use his Senor McGuyver skills to defend the family home. After several HILARIOUS prat falls, beatings, booby traps the INS agents lament they will never get promoted after being beaten by a child. As they drag their maimed bodies out of the basement Hernando has the true spirit of a Mexican/Guatamalan Christmas(Or Feliz Navidad for extra points) wash over him. Cut to his family being arrested by the INS agents as their boss comes to promote them, meanwhile the INS agents pay Hernando the reward for turning in his family and drug running mule of an uncle Paco. He then buys an XBox 360 along with Call Of Duty Black Ops where is little incoherent 8 year old beaner butt jabbers and angers all the gamers.

Merry Christmas and congrats on getting an A!

The Link: Solamente El Pueblo!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sometimes Griefing Is The Best Answer.

"Oh fuck where in Rochester!"

Yes its incredible I know but someone had to ask about zombies. Better yet is my answer that got voted best. I feel like I just won a gold medal... in the Special Olympics.

Is the government planning to send a virus that will make people into Zombie?

Many of the things that are happening in the world, are being set by few evil men and I believe aliens or demons. most of the things that are described in the bible have occurred. Also, many of the movies that hollywood releases, come true! Consequently, there are been many movies about zombies lately and commercials about them too. I think the secret governemnt is preparing the people for a zombie attack. Please be open minded and do a little research before coming to any conclusions!

Thank you and all answers are valuable....

Valuable Answer:

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

The government using a zombie virus is unlikely as they would lose valuable tax dollars, votes and resources. NOW a pharmaceutical company spreading a disease is another story, they could make tons of money not curing it but developing a medication to prevent the effects of zombification. This will all be fine and good until Skynet becomes self aware and goes bananas that the human race's greatest achievement is Justin Beiber. Realizing that evolution has stalled and that a world wide intellectual holocaust is being waged by Jeresy Shore and Fox News, Skynet will launch nuclear warheads at Russia, Santa Clause and Chuck Norris. However the crisis will be averted when it turns out that Iron Maiden along with the Freddie Mercury riding the Loch Ness monster are throwing a concert in Moscow. They will use the power of METAL to prevent the missiles from doing any harm and somehow causing it to rain beer and women. Sadly though the real destruction will come when the North Pole and Santa is destroyed, while Chuck Norris is visiting. Chuck Norris being part Chuck and part Norris will be able to withstand the blast. Sadly Santa won't and Chuck will mourn the death of his younger brother Santa.(You think they could have such sweet beards and not be related? The Trilateral Commission must have gotten to you.) Chuck Norris will ascend then to Valhalla AKA Chuck Norris Mega Death Ranch and being the Ragnarok that will shake earth to its very core and destroy the world unless the Space Pope and Hugh Hefner provide an offering of virgins, beef jerky, and grain alcohol to appease the vengeful Norris. Then he will return to Valhalla and enter his Odin Sleep and slumber until Hollywood green lights the Walker Texas Ranger Reunion Show.


The aliens from Uranus.

Link: ZOMG! Zombies On Parade!

Giving Back Means Getting So Much More: Yahoo Answers.

Life is full of burning questions and diligent minds won't rest when there is an answer to be had. Do they read a book, interview an expert, take a class, even pray? Fuck no they turn to the internet to solve all their problems, forsaking the solutions of science, God and alcohol. No greater example of this is Yahoo Answers the Internets suppository of stupid questions and even more questionable answers.
"Surprisingly none of them wrote for Arli$$"

Sure while other people are handing out advice like that creepy guy hands out candy from his windowless van, I thought I could do something useful, something proactive....

Essentially grief the shit out of Yahoo Answer's....

Open Question: My friends are laughing at me because I have a fat father. What should I do?

Fat dad huh? Well this happens in captivity. What you want to do is hide food around the house so he has to actually search for it just as he would in the wild. Also changing up his fed is important, I suggest Dad Chow Lite. Also getting him out for a walk for an hour or two will certainly help, though he does have to be trained enough not bark at strangers, bite the mailman or hump the pretty blonde's leg from across the street (the little scamp). It will be tough at first getting him off the couch, as he thinks he's people. But the couch is a sure fire route to packing on pounds and sloth. He may beg, he may look at you with those soul full eyes but keep in mind this is the same little scoundrel that will devour the groceries and pee on the rug if you're not watching. There are plenty of guides on how to care for your dad one of those might help. With proper care and grooming you should have years of enjoyment with your dad.


Father and You: A Master's Guide, 8 Years Professional Dad Wrangling In the Russian Circus.

Link: Ungrateful Bitch Bitching About Having A Fat Daddy.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Schwarzenegger V. Logic

For anyone who has ever picked up joystick, dual shock, mouse or Wii nun chuck has probably played a video game with some degree of violence. From a pair of overweight Italian plumbers stomping turtles, a Gorilla throwing barrels and kidnapping women to two pissed off Spartans one with a bone to pick with the Greek gods and the other tea bagging an entire alien collective.

It was never this cool... or disturbing.

About that time the first video game was made came the first complaint about they'z rott'n our minedz.(Kidding) A certain segment of the population does take issue with video games in general and here they are in no special order: Parents, Teachers, Priests, Politicians, (Ex)Girlfriends, (Ex)Boyfriends, Muslims, The Tea Party, Mormons and Ned Flanders.

Why do they take issue? Take your pick: bad grades, no more quality time, an affront to God, anti-social, health concerns, and of course violent. That's what on the menu in a recent court case involving a certain Governator in California. It seems that after he solved California's budget crisis he decided to solve all the other problems other governors couldn't get to like the education system, the environment, and of course video games. I guess after the economy video games was the next action item.

Why? Well for this next part I am going to assume you have heard all the "reports" linking video games to violent behavior, mass murder and double parking.(Thanks GTA!) This should explain why all the 9 and 10 year old's out there are rampaging through the streets is soaking the earth in a sea of blood...

The whole idea behind this is that while tracking stimulus in the brain certain parts of the ol' thinker light up when certain images are presented. This is supposed to highlight the stimulation of aggression in the brain, and that after playing violent games you are more desensitized and prone to violence. My problem with all this is where is the comparison to stimulation from other sources. No one hooks up the electrode to measure sports fans, athletes/mathletes in competition, race care drivers or women watching Sex And The City. The point is there are lots of things out their that stimulate aggression, but people don't go out there and go terminator on the world. Next you are going to tell me that the Expendables will cause people to want to violently overthrow a 3rd world country and that's just silly...
Right you sack of gay dicks?

So why so serious about video games? Well if you were fucking up the state you were in charge of and lived in a 24 hour news cycle that is desperate and you don't want your fiscal incompetence to be the headline, it's time to get yourself a sacrificial lamb. So Arnie not only thinks video games are bad but they need to be banned, for the good of the children. So he did what any one man army would do, take matters into his own hands and fight a lengthy, expensive court battle over video games. Arnie is so angry about what video games can do he has taken his fight all the way to the Supreme Court. I do have to hand it to the Governator at least he stands by his principles....
Can you lower yourself into a vat of molten steel for real this time?

So here is why Arnold Schwarzenegger is an idiot:

  1. You used your own personal image to sell violent video games: Terminator series, Last Action Hero, True Lies, Predator.
  2. Most video game developers are out in a place called Silicon Valley in... California. The chill you will send through that economic sector will drive off profitable, hi-tech jobs. That's spendable money taken out of the economy and tax revenue lost. Not that California's broke ass would notice right?
  3. Actually believing kids will be fucked up because of the violence in the media. Hey how did Melissa Milano turn out after the movie Commando? Other than hot I mean.
  4. Endangering free speech. It's bad enough the Westboro Baptists are getting us to consider shutting down the first amendment, this does conversation does not need to be happening right now.
  5. Only non-Americans try and shut down free speech. Radical Islam tries to intimidate us, you're draft dodging Austrian ass is joining those ranks by pulling a stunt like this?
  6. Long before violent video games there were movies. Why don't you tackle that shit first? Other than the direct blow to your pocket book.
  7. Forgetting that violence can help tell a story or highlight a greater evil. Think Call Of Duty series on World War II and its portrayal of the horrors of war. In movies think of Rambo when Stallone artfully highlighted the atrocities of military in Burma.
  8. Engaging in a political witch hunt that will start a slippery slope to outright censorship of anything the GOP, prudes, and other silly bitches don't like
Governator maybe you should take some advice you gave to a guy named Bennett and let of steam?

(Again sorry for any editing, I don't give a shit. All pictures are for fair use and satire.)

Friday, October 22, 2010

Bitching Is The Disease

I am constantly confronted with unhappy people. A big source behind that unhappiness is the fact they are not silver spoon millionaires. People realize that life is going to suck, because that's life. People are under the illusion life should be easy because of the technological comforts we have, media bombardment, and the lies propagated by the eduction system. So when they don't get the lies promised to them, they bitch. That constant bitching is just toxic waste. Ever met a serial bitcher that was actually successful in life or happy in life? Ever met a serial bitcher with happy friends? Okay it's one thing to find out you have been fed a pile of shit, its another to not move past it and work with what you have. I will never advocate settling or being satisfied but I will tell you to be realistic. Dream yes, but don't get lost in the dream. You'll only bitch about it later and bitching is the disease.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Do Nothing Presidents

When I write "Do nothing president," what comes to mind. For most people I imagine is someone who has managed to sleaze their way to the top, buy favors and come into the most powerful job in history: The American Presidency. Once there they excel at photo-ops and not much else of substance. The campaign taglines and slogans become the punchlines of Letterman and a should-have-stay-retired Leno. So it is with Barack Obama. The candidate that promised "Change." That's a ballsy promise because when you hear the promise of change you know what's being promised. Its not switching the curtains of the White House, we are talking a complete break from the politics as usual. That's why a lot of folks voted for Obama, because of the fatigue of politicians doing the Potomac Two Step and not their jobs. Because 15% of the country makes life shit for the other 85%. It's not CNN vs Fox for who represents the country. The United States is not Red State vs. Blue State. The only reason it looks that way is because the two party system is good at one thing, keeping any other party from coming to the party. So there was a lot of "HOPE" when Obama came into office, but nothing happened. He hasn't ushered in sweeping changes or anything of note. If Obama's presidency was just one term what would his legacy really be? He wasn't elected just to be the first non-white male President.

Now there is another kind of "Do Nothing President." This is your President of the 15% of America and the rest of country gets to come along for the ride. A la George W. Bush. Here we had a guy who pretty much used the office to pad his buddies investment portfolio's, push a narrow Christian based agenda, and what happens we you see bad puppetry. Yeah we all know what Neo-Con nightmares had their grubby little hands up his butt, making this sock puppet president claim "weapons of mass destruction" and all the other head scratching comments, claims and promises. What really got to me was the fact when someone would question him, the look they get in return was amazing. It pretty much was the poster child look for the disconnect between the leaders of America and the American public, Bush just could not believe people did not get "it." Whatever "it" is I will never know but damn if he didn't believe what he was selling was good for America, that's the sign of good political handlers. So unless you are apart of that 15% you were probably disappointed with 95% of the things the Bush White House did. So in that sense he did nothing for the country at large. Arguably what President since Truman really did anything for the country at large. In that regard America has had a lot of do nothing Presidents. Sadly one of the few Presidents that comes to mind who actually did anything was Reagan. Yes Ronald Reagan, an actor and geriatric, whose legacy is really all the lip serving leaders that came after him. Yes Reagan presided over some amazing events in history, yes he did lift up the country, and he certainly is beloved. In fact he is one of my favorite presidents. But Reagan was a master of making you feel better by not really doing or fixing anything. Did Reagan turn the economy around? No but he told you things are getting better so you felt better. Politicians have grabbed onto that idea of making you feel good about having them around, because if you feel good about them then what do they really have to do? If you said nothing then congratulations you actually read through this post.

P.S. sorry for any crappy grammatical or spelling errors, I'm just tossing shit up on a page.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Paranormal Activity 3: Why Do People Keep Paying For This Shit?

So its October, so other than being nudie magazine day its also Halloween time. Where guys cross dress "for fun" and women dress up extra slutty without fear of being labeled one later. Sadly though its also the time for shitty horror movies. Not your beloved B-List horror movie that's pure shits and giggles, but your major studio backed pile of crap.

Here are some things to fix horror movies and get them back on the right track:

  • No more surprise your still fucked anyway endings, it gets done wrong and you see it coming.
  • Kill the annoying children, they will just become annoying teenagers.
  • No more night vision camera found footage crap, I paid to see a movie not a grainy epileptic seizure.
  • How about the guy that says fuck it and leaves when he realizes how fucking bad things could get is not the first one to die, or even die at all. Reward that self preservation instinct.
  • Kill the "Good Samaritan" that leads the group into the house full of crazed Texas cannibals. Lesson: Leave well enough alone.
  • Leave behind the puppy....alright damn it I can't do it save the puppy.
  • Leave the cat, fuck cats.
  • Do a A Team/B Team horror movie. One group of friends that know the rules about horror movies and survive the whole way through. B Team is made up of all your favorite stereotypes and they all get killed off over and over again. (Play Left 4 Dead)
  • Do a movie where the Hero/Anti-Hero isn't out to save anyone but himself and just uses fellow survivors as creative stepping stones to survive. Then when you think that Karma is going to pay him back, he finds a suitcase full of money and a six pack then cue the credits.